I'm the Biggest Hypocrite on the Face of the Planet

An hour ago I realized how far I was behind on the bloggess. (See list of places I go.) No wonder all the joy has been stripped from my life! So I've spent the last hour catching up on where she's been and all the embarrassing things she does and then has anxiety about.
I was reading the April Flores interview on her sex column and then started watching the video, which is a nice photo shoot with porn-ish music playing in the background.
But let's back up for a minute to about 3 weeks ago when the MAN decided to buy me a webcam and send it to me so that we could keep in touch. I immediately assumed a webcam would mean porn and made it clear there would be no porn. NONE. I guess American Pie was on my mind. Using the camera isn't as bad as I thought it would be--it's all nice and blurry and very forgiving. Perfect for my need to remain anonymous.
So here I was watching this ahem photo shoot (because she's all round and not stick thin and it was just such a relief to see someone who is a real size do this and look good) and he called me on gchat. It rings like a phone from the gmail page. I minimized April's window and accepted his call. And then realized that the MUSIC WAS STILL PLAYING.
He asked what I was watching.
"Um, nothing" was the best thing I could come up with! I own all of these words. ALL OF THESE WORDS. And I said "um, nothing."
And then my face turned red.
And although the webcam is slightly blurry and weak, I'll bet he knew. Yes, I was looking at another woman in her underwear. I don't know why at that moment I couldn't just say it. I admit it.

My Life of Entropy: Broken by a LUMP of Peanut Butter

I am doing the same chores over and over and over. I move things downstairs that end up upstairs: shoes, recyclable containers of shampoo, dishes. And then I take things upstairs that end up downstairs: clothes, pillows, books. I pick crayons up off the desk and put them back in a big can, knowing they'll just get dumped out again. I carry things to and from different rooms no matter how many times they sneak back. Every week I hang the same twenty pairs of shoes on the back of the hall door, sweep the same dirt and leaves out the door that just come in with the next herd of children, put the same games back in their cases, and vacuum the same crumbs that sneak back out of my vacuum to reappear one morning when they get up before me. I do the same laundry that will just reappear in a pile on the bathroom floor the next morning. I wash the same dishes that will end up under the couch cushions. I spend at least 2 hours a day "cleaning" the same things I cleaned the day before and that I'll clean tomorrow.
It would seem to me that I'm fighting against some universal rule. That everything in my home tries to become disorganized and that I am expending a lot of energy trying to keep it at a level that it does not naturally like.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that in a closed system (my house) everything runs from hot to cold (from organized to disorganized). This says it all (from a University of Idaho paper on entropy): An ordered entity requires a quantity of energy to create and maintain itself as an entity. Once it reaches an ordered state, it will, without further infusions of energy, gradually become disordered.
This should also, however, include a clause about the energy infusion going on strike and the DIRE results of pissing it off and causing it to resign itself to watching the disorganization to occur unchecked. Who am I to fight against the natural state of things? For example, I am sure that that tablespoon sized lump of peanut butter belongs on the floor beside the trash can.

My Food Pie Graph for Today

I want to share this because of the utter patheticness of my eating habits. I ate well all day, yogurt, salad, an apple, a chicken sausage. And then I completely screwed it all up because I was so stressed out from the stomach cramping caused by HUNGER that I drank two glasses of wine and completely killed all the great healthyness I'd done to myself!
I mean, look at that big black triangle. That's my wine consumption compared to the other things I ate. Holy Shit! It's huge! And BLACK. And glaringly BLACK. 17.4% BLACK because I drank 10 ounces of wine. I just don't know anymore (shaking head sadly). What's there to live for?

How to Not Have A Complete Mental Breakdown

Even though at times I appear to be losing my sanity and putting it here for all the world and my friends to see, it's actually the other way around. I use this space to KEEP my sanity. And here's how:

That whole bullshit saying "Fake it till you make it" is bullshit, just as much as this sentence is circular reasoning. Pretending to be happy until you are can be a dangerous thing. Now if you're just pretending in certain situations throughout your day, but you vent to your next door neighbor who just happened to be walking by as you were crying on your front lawn--then maybe it's okay. If you want to smile at work so no one really knows you're hearing voices--then maybe it's okay. There is a certain time and place for putting on a professional face. Like if your mother drops by unexpectedly and you REALLY don't want to share with her why you're still in your pajamas and bunny slippers at one in the afternoon, cause she'll just tell you that you're depressed and that you take after her. That will only depress you more so it's perfectly understandable that you pleasantly say hello, take the muffins, and close the door-with her on the outside.
HOWEVER, if you pretend all the time and have no outlet for all the anger, anxiety, pain, frustration, guilt, and confusion-- and you get up in the morning pretending and you go to school or work pretending and you go home and pretend to family and friends and your doctor and your counselor--this is a problem.
The vast difference between the way you want things to be, wishing so badly that everything is fine and that nothing is wrong AND what your intuition is telling you about the situation and the way you feel--this is where one day soon you're going to lose your grip in a big bad way. If you push all those doubts right down inside and try so hard to pretend that you are perfectly happy then they are going to continue to grow and you're going to have to work harder and harder to push back and pretty soon the incongruence between what you feel and what you pretend will cause a HUGE SNAP.
So the best way to be is just to be REAL. To not try to pretend. And to accept the small tragedies for what they are, normal parts of the human condition. And share with others, as I do here. So that we can all laugh together. So if I'm talking to a Peruvian Onion and I tell you about it, then I'm really okay. Right?

Have I talked about Virtual Villagers before?

There's this really stupid downloadable game called Virtual Villagers and I guess we have the 3rd one.
My youngest wanted me to buy it for her and she and I worked on it until we got to the end. There were some things I was a little iffy on, but she seemed to enjoy it.

NOW THE PROBLEM: Haley has rediscovered the game on this computer because she is so bored by not having any life at all. And those things that I ignored for Gina are SO OBVIOUS for Haley.

Like the sounds the characters make when you pick them up. OOH, AAH. It's like an Herbal Essence commercial and not in a good clean way!

And I pointed out that she could name her characters and it would be funny to name them what they are. So then she named one "Retard" and one "Whore" which wasn't quite what I meant. But "Retard" keeps running away from the tasks he's supposed to learn. And "Whore" keeps ignoring her duties and running off to breed.

Somehow I find it amusing that Haley spends her time virtually chasing after these people and saying things that sound a little like what I keep saying to her.
"Get back to work!"
"Why don't you learn after I tell you twenty times?"
"Kissing again and again makes you want to breed more."

Okay, not that last one. Not quite like that. But why have a game in which one of the skills you have to teach them is how to embrace each other and head off to the Love Shack to have babies?

Haley was mad when her doctor got pregnant. Well, not really pregnant. They go into the Shack and come out with a baby that they breast feed for two years (Two years!) and during this time they can't work for the village at all.

And I'm all like "SEE, Haley! That's what I'm talking about."
And she ignores me.

She should pay more attention to the game. Then she'll understand why she is to have NO CONTACT with any boys until she's 35.

God Would Love Wine

On September 12th my life changed! My friend Abrah, who may no longer be my friend due to this revelation that she should have kept a secret FOREVER, told me that wine has CALORIES. I had assumed it was just pretty water. So I looked up the specific nasty-ass box of wine I happened to buy during my moment of poverty and degradation and it has 12o calories in a 5 ounce serving! Horrors! I was drinking about 360 calories a day. Drinking it down laughingly and with joy.
Well, to Hell with Joy. I've stopped drinking and started keeping track of all the calories I've saved. In 10 long boring lifeless days I've saved 3460 calories! woohoo. Great.
I think I'll keep doing this until I save enough calories to not weigh anything and then I'll look down at my pudge and I'll ask it why it's still there! OMG, what if it really is the last thing left? I'll be a skeleton and I'll still have this enormous belly! Sobbing.
Why, why would you do this to me?
And this is why I don't believe there is a god. Cause if there was one he would love wine as much as I do and he would give it negative calories. And then wars would end and there would be no disease or famine. It's all about who has the wine and who hasn't got any and has to drink cheap crap out of a box!

An Ironic Day in the Ghetto

Today I find it very ironic:

• That I do all my work for the day in about 15 minutes and spend the rest of the day thinking about doing something productive.
• That carsalesmen are the most gullible people on the planet.
• That wearing red and pink pajama pants with snowmen on them isn't embarrassing, but having your mom and her friend each pull on the string that holds them up, and head in two different directions in a store IS.
• That I was happier when the DENTIST didn't have my phone number.
• That textbooks cost a small fortune but I can only sell them for a couple of dollars each.
• That having my best friend friend my boyfriend makes me suspicious about what they're talking about.
• That cleaning makes a bigger mess.
• That I am the one responsible for remembering all these appointments. Who the hell came up with that one?
• That I was wrong about everything important. And soon I'll have nothing to write about. (Yeah, right. Like I think my life with ever be so PERFECT that there will be nothing to bitch about. Life would be ALL WRONG if there wasn't something stupid happening. And as there will always be Dentists around I'm sure I won't quit writing any time soon.)
• That anytime the management company says someone is coming to work on something they don't show up until 2 weeks later. This may not be ironic. This may just be their evil strategy to make me clean up. It's not working this time! I'll show them!
• That ads for snus show up right after huge ads warning about snus being just as dangerous as cigarettes, in Rolling Stone magazine. Even Haley was confused about this.
• That Haley would show me anything.
• That I must be doing something right if Haley shows me things.

Things I Discovered Today

• My middle child is smart enough to cut her mouth while sucking on a popsicle stick and she is thirteen.
• I can turn OFF my new cell phone if I don't want any calls, which I will be doing ALOT.
• I need to take out an insurance policy on Abrah, because if she dies in a bizarre accident or otherwise then this blog will have to end because I will be muse-less.
• Abrah is kayaking to some island in New Hampshire tomorrow in thunderstorms and Hurricane Bill, with her boyfriend Bill, which is too ironic and worries me because if she was to die it would probably be while doing something ironic.
• Waiting for word from literary agents is harrowing and requires lots of entertainment and wine.
• I am amazed that I made it through the past 8 years. I was sorting through 2 huge boxes of court papers, throwing alot away that I don't need anymore, and working toward my final hearing to end this whole mess--and I will have to create a post about some of the things he did to me. How did I not go crazy? Or did I and I just don't know it yet? Maybe that's what makes me soooooo special.
• Sometimes I talk about my laptop as if it is me. I believe it is more me than this pudge that appears to have attached itself to my middle. I should have a laptop attached there instead, something I can pull out and fold open so that I don't have to lean over the kitchen table anymore.
• I would fit into the dry hold on a kayak if given enough incentive.
• Degradation is a really good word to use instead of poverty. I look up to the degradation line! Someday I look forward to living in degradation. If I could just reach degradation I would be perfectly content.
• 4 teenagers = 1045 times the noise.