My Over-Developed Skill of Blocking Things Out

So I'm realizing more and more how completely unobservant I've become. (Which sounds contradictory but that's the way my world is.) I walk around like I'm caught in a snowglobe, dodging the sparkly flakes that spin around me whenever someone picks up my world and shakes it, but never seeing very far outside my own little world that mostly exists inside my head. My head is just too full of other things.

I'm oblivious as I walk around and I miss really important things like:

• An old man with a cane whose face was twisted up on one side and down on the other and was so terrifying that Gina asked if he was wearing a mask.


• A young man in Waterbury with a sombrero, standing outside Ben and Jerry's. Apparently the sight was so exciting that Haley had to buy a sombrero immediately. I guess she wants to join him.


• A man/woman with facial hair outside the mall in the BIG CITY wearing a pink spandex tank top and jean cutoffs. However, I think that Abrah may have made this up to take our attention off the previous five minutes when her back side was hanging out of a photo booth we had all squeezed into.


• A red car that had stopped in the middle of a busy intersection because it couldn't decide which way to go and was holding up traffic and then decided to just follow us because of the sombrero wearing chicas in the back seat.

Of course there are also some things I saw that I wish I hadn't:

• The Tinkerbell pajama pants that Haley had decided to wear on our trip into the BIG CITY.


• The powder blue shirt with big white flowers that Abrah held up across the second-hand store and yelled "How about this one?" It might have won me the prize at Ugly Shirt Poker Night, but the sight has scarred me forever.


• The bulge in the front of a bottom-only black mannequin who was guarding the women's clothing section and was draped with nylons. A big bulge and very wrong. The girls pointed this out to me. Of course it was only this morning that I was informed that there were THREE half mannequins and that one had a red skirt pulled down below its man-parts. They probably thought I'd do something embarrassing like pull the skirt back up and say "There, all better now" as the rest of the shoppers watched in horror.


• The calories in a 5 oz glass of wine. My ability to block this number out is so GOOD that I am newly surprised and disheartened everytime I see it again.


• Me in a pair of Eddie Bauer Jeans which had sand-blasted white horizontal stripes right where my permanent bloat is, drawing all attention to it, and making it literally the WHITE ELEPHANT in the room.


• Those nasty imported tea-party people who protest everyone having health insurance. It's easy to be a right wing republican if you HAVE healthcare, a secure job, and own a house already. I thought maybe they got together to drink TEA, but instead they just stand on the street corner waving their offensive signs that should really say "We only get along when we're in charge" or "Sore Losers".

Call it self-preservation.

What Every Mother Wants

• I would like to not find toothpaste on my earrings when I put them on in the morning. They are 20 feet from the nearest toothpaste, in a box, in my room. I just don't want to know.
• I want someone else to throw away the uneaten leftovers in the fridge and then take the trash out. I don't know why I bother putting them in the fridge in the first place. Guilt. It must be guilt about all those starving Ethiopians who are somehow going to be saved by my sticking 3 peas, a piece of potato and a chicken bone in a plastic container and saving it for 2 weeks.
• I would like someone to unplug a toilet after they plug it. And for the next person who wants to use that bathroom to say something, instead of heading upstairs to the other toilet too and plugging that one. And still not doing anything and keeping the Code of Silence, so that eventually I have to run to find the plunger before I can pee out the 6 cups of coffee that are making me dance.
• I would like to NOT have to complain about being bloated 26 days out of every month. Someone is going to catch on eventually.
• I would like to be able to find the phone the first time it rings, or the second, and not after whoever leaves a message and I spend 15 precious minutes searching for it and eventually find it in Haley's hamper hidden under her suspiciously damp clothing.
• I want to lay on the living room floor and poke my hip muscles and groan without someone asking me if I'm having a good time.
• I really want to be able to text fast enough to stop all the teenagers from laughing at me.

Well, I guess I can't have everything. I CAN have this box of wine. It makes everything seem better.

An Ironic Day in the Ghetto

Today I find it very ironic:

• That I do all my work for the day in about 15 minutes and spend the rest of the day thinking about doing something productive.
• That carsalesmen are the most gullible people on the planet.
• That wearing red and pink pajama pants with snowmen on them isn't embarrassing, but having your mom and her friend each pull on the string that holds them up, and head in two different directions in a store IS.
• That I was happier when the DENTIST didn't have my phone number.
• That textbooks cost a small fortune but I can only sell them for a couple of dollars each.
• That having my best friend friend my boyfriend makes me suspicious about what they're talking about.
• That cleaning makes a bigger mess.
• That I am the one responsible for remembering all these appointments. Who the hell came up with that one?
• That I was wrong about everything important. And soon I'll have nothing to write about. (Yeah, right. Like I think my life with ever be so PERFECT that there will be nothing to bitch about. Life would be ALL WRONG if there wasn't something stupid happening. And as there will always be Dentists around I'm sure I won't quit writing any time soon.)
• That anytime the management company says someone is coming to work on something they don't show up until 2 weeks later. This may not be ironic. This may just be their evil strategy to make me clean up. It's not working this time! I'll show them!
• That ads for snus show up right after huge ads warning about snus being just as dangerous as cigarettes, in Rolling Stone magazine. Even Haley was confused about this.
• That Haley would show me anything.
• That I must be doing something right if Haley shows me things.

The Traveling Pants Continued

I thought they were gone, but they keep coming back like stray boyfriends. BEGONE CURSED pajama pants!

I thought I would introduce my oldest daughter to the ex-boyfriend cleanup ritual on Saturday, which involved traveling to John's to get back a wine glass and the cover to my AA Big Book. I don't really care about either of those things. They were worth the price of my freedom. But I thought it might be humorous to show up and not leave, the way he did to me the night Abrah was here and I had to try to convince him we shouldn't see each other for the second time.

It didn't happen as well as I'd hoped. He handed me a brown paper bag. I think he was mad that I never responded to his email after breakup #3 in which he asked if he could visit me in Wyoming and have me show him around. Hmmmmm. NO.

So in the car, Haley opened the bag and found the CURSED pajama pants. (You have to say that word in two syllables to get the full effect: curse--ED.) She knew what they were immediately and was horrified. I considered driving back to his place and throwing them on the lawn after setting them on fire, or giving them to the old guys at the coin drop as we passed by a second time, or just throwing them out the window. Anything to get the CURSED pajama pants away from me.

Then after dragging Haley to see the Time Traveler's Wife with me and Abrah, I realized that James needed his pants back. Because our whole relationship could be explained in terms of time-travel. During his good times he was younger, clean-shaven, and happy. Then suddenly, in the middle of the night, he must have time traveled and come back older and freaked out and run off. Then he would show up again later all clean-shaven and happy again.

But the only reason I can think of to run away from me if he traveled back as an older James is IF I DIED! And he suddenly appeared in my room! And panicked because I was there alive and I should be dead!!!!! I just realized this now!

I made a BIG MISTAKE on Saturday. On our way home I pinned a little pink note to the pants saying "I got these back for you because you might need them next time you time travel." Then I had Haley jump out of our getaway car and run up and leave them outside his door. Why would I give him the time traveling borderline pajama pants back???!!!! I just caused my own death in the future or in the past. I don't know.

I'm going out right now to get those pajama pants back and burn them. He'll have to give them back to me if I show up at his door and tell him that I need the pants back because he's going to time travel and cause my death. Or maybe it's already too late. I'm going to sleep with a softball bat beside me in case he appears in my room in the middle of the night. Then we'll see who time travels and lives and who dies. I knew I should have kept those pants to wear. I would go back in time and . . . hmmm, there's always the question of what one time could change EVERYTHING. I think I would go back and . . . no, I wouldn't. I like where I am now. I'd just sell them on EBAY.

The New Study on How Single Moms Should Stay Single Forever

EGAD.

Seems to be the only word I can come up with right now because I feel like YET ANOTHER burden has been thrown onto the shoulders of the single mother. This MSN article says that children are better off in STABLE households, whether that means the parents never divorce, or that MOM never moves in with her boyfriend or remarries. Any change in household status causes the kids anxiety.

So MOM should then sacrifice the best years of her life, before she's an old, decrepit, saggy, bitter old woman and focus herself entirely on the children. Anything else would be a neglect of her mothering duties. She should never have boyfriends come and go or GASP move in with someone who might not work out. She should know if it's going to work out AHEAD of time and if there's any chance the household is going to shift again, she should just choose to be ALONE, cause it's best for the kids.

Here's a quote: "Based on this study, we can't say for sure that marriage will be a good thing for the children of single mothers, particularly if that marriage is unhealthy and does not last." But wait! They don't KNOW whether another marriage is good or bad. We all know divorce is bad. So why do they suggest that MOM remain alone???

The burden is always on the MOM.

Where is DAD in all this????

I think what they SHOULD have said is that MOMs can do a really good job of raising children all by themselves as long as they are given the financial and community support to be able to provide a stable household situation. If MOM doesn't have to depend on a new MAN to help her out because she's left making the choice of working all the time and leaving the kids to fend for themselves, or staying home and being labelled a welfare mom--then she can raise the kids just as well without someone else to pick up after.

And where is MOM's welfare in all this??? Are the mothers who sacrifice their lives for their children's supposed well-being happy? Or neurotic as hell? I know that I need someone to talk to about all the issues involved in raising kids. I need someone to keep me feeling safe at night, cared for always, and loved. I love my children. But I will not sacrifice my own happiness for good scores in math. Which my kids don't need anyway because they excel at math regardless of what's up with my personal life.

I think that articles like this one are more dangerous to my health and my caretaking abilities and that they should be banned. Instead of wasting your time writing such dribble, why don't you come to my crappy little apartment and take my place.? That would ease the burden and the kids would have better math scores than they already do because I will have them time how long it takes you to get lonely and want someone to be with.

I'm not bitter. But I'm not taking any more single mother crap either.

I Was Dating a Borderline--a serious post

I expect to see Borderline Personality Disorder in young girls. That love/hate relationshp is difficult to deal with and hard to improve without some serious therapy.
I never thought I'd be dating one, a 42 year old male. I never thought about what that might look like. It was so confusing and the confusion made me anxious because I expect people to become aware of their own issues over time. I ran into the answer tonight as I was cleaning out all my binders of school stuff--lightening my load slowly so that later on it will be easier to know what to bring and what to leave behind. Do I need the 30 page research paper I wrote about the relationship between Guilt and Physical Health? Probably not. Just picking it up caused minor seizures.
In all seriousness however, I feel the need to tell you that I was in this relationship and missed what was really going on entirely behind the trees (like the forest, people) and if I'm that stupid, well, anyone could be.
But it was hiding in a handout on Differentiation of the Self and Relationship Strategies. Oooh, a slight tremor reappears in my left elbow. And since he continues to stalk my blog why the hell not throw this up here.

Borderline Personality Disorder (From the NIMH site):

A person with BPD may have intense bouts of anxiety lasting only an hour or most of a day. This may occur along with self-injury, risky behaviors, drinking or drug use. Serious thinking distortions and a lack of sense of self lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, and values. They may see themselves as bad or unworthy or hate themselves to an extreme.
They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. If they are isolated from social supports they may frantically try to avoid being alone.
Relationships are unstable because being with someone is as terrifying as being without. They shift from love to hate very easily, becoming very close very quickly and then pulling away just as quickly. They are especially sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to any criticism.
***********
I continue to process this although it was over a long time ago because it was so disturbing and confusing. And he was right about one thing: He would continue to do it over and over, the pull back and then the move to closeness, and I was right when I finally said that I was better off alone. Dating a borderline is like riding a Roller Coaster and you do have the choice to get off anytime you want.
And if you remember the classic My Boyfriend Is Constipation post, it's the same thing.

Dumbassedness is the Word of the Day

I had to sign and hand in one of those Exemption Forms for not wanting my kid to have vaccinations. I think that should about do it as far as my swing to the Hippie left. If I swung any further over I'd be running around naked covered in painted daisies. But no one wants to see that!
The nurse at the highschool said that Haley would have to get the chicken pox vaccine (Varicella) even though she had the chicken pox in 2000. I have no doctor's proof of this because I didn't immediately take her to the doctor's office to expose the entire town, as I probably should have. Because now I am exposed as a Leftist.
But maybe I was then too, because I did what I thought any good mother would do and as soon as I heard the neighbor girl had developed red chicken-shaped spots, I sent Haley right over to play. Then I kept her home in order to infect her sisters and no one else. I didn't even take pictures. Maybe I should have. Would the nurse have taken that as proof??? What if I use a marker and cover her in red spots now and take a picture? A reenactment should be proof enough.
I admit that I did have the option of giving her the vaccine back then. I chose instead to let her go through the rite of passage. Why get a vaccine for something that won't kill you?
So the nurse told me she'd need to get vaccinated anyway. But seeing as I never give the kids something they don't absolutely need (I think out of all of them, Haley is the only one ever to be on antibiotics and it was just once), I told the nurse I refuse to do that. Ooops, there's the old leftist leaking out again.
The doctor looked at me all confused when I asked her what to do. She couldn't sign anything saying Haley had the chicken pox, since she never saw it. I showed her the picture of the reenactment, but she just didn't quite believe Haley looked like she was 5 and some of the spots were too big.
So she told me to find this form online and sign it.
There's a choice on the form of Moral or Religious Exemption. I'm just not sure what YOU'RE A DUMBASS FOR NOT TAKING A MOTHER'S WORD FOR IT--WHY WOULD I LIE? belongs under. Morally I just don't like it when people think I'm lying and it pisses me off. Religiously I don't see how some nurse is like my supreme ruler and can say Haley can't go to school unless I do what she says. Why is it I can't fill out a simple form without writing my own thoughts all over it? I wonder if they just shake their heads and file my forms anyway or share it around the office as the joke of the day. I admit this isn't the first time I haven't stayed within the lines.
Like I said before, I don't fit well on a piece of paper. So I'm making my own exemption category called The Dumbassedness of Bureaucracy and drawing a little box next to it, that I will check in red ink. I DARE them to not accept this!