In the mail box. Unopened.
I'm speechless.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Hershey Tin full of Bleep
My boyfriend forgot his chocolate tin here, that Hershey one I blogged about not so long ago. I tripped over it and put it on a table in my room, thinking I'd return it to him. But now the kids have become obsessed about reading the outside of it aloud to each other and snickering.
It says:
It says:
- With new taste and new texture.
- Different--try it, you'll like it.
- Have you met Mr. Goodbar?
- Full of peanuts.
- Good? You bet!
- For those who prefer milder milk chocolate.
- A tasty lunch.
- Eat more Aero milk Chocolate
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
My Netflix Senior Moment
I lost a Netflix movie that I wanted to watch. Sometime in between driving back from the pool with a crabby teenager, driving another one to an appointment, and listening to Don't Trust Me 3oh!3 for the 85th time this week in my 120 degree car, I lost a movie in that big red envelope in comes in. It was sitting on the table in the dining room and then IT WAS GONE and I know that I picked it up and became delirious from the heat and picked up something else and put that away and then forgot that I had the movie in my hand and left it somewhere really stupid.
I've looked in the couch, under the microwave, through my pile of bills,
Under the table cloth, on my bed, under the bathroom sink.
I've opened the refrigerator and looked in the vegetable drawer.
I looked through the box of popsicles in the freezer and through the clean laundry in the basket in my room,
Behind the television, in Haley's room, and in the box full of rechargeable batteries.
I called the kids at the houses they were hanging out at and asked them,
But they just thought I'd lost my mind.
And perhaps I had.
It was about the time that I slid off my chair.
Which happened right after I wrote that awful post today that's still not funny.
I looked through the magazines on the table thinking maybe I'd used it as a bookmark,
and in the hall closet where I shoved the vacuum, and in the trash can for recyclable paper.
I opened the front door to look on the steps, and in my bookcase,
but I forgot to look behind the toilet. I'll bet it's behind the damn toilet!
I've looked in the couch, under the microwave, through my pile of bills,
Under the table cloth, on my bed, under the bathroom sink.
I've opened the refrigerator and looked in the vegetable drawer.
I looked through the box of popsicles in the freezer and through the clean laundry in the basket in my room,
Behind the television, in Haley's room, and in the box full of rechargeable batteries.
I called the kids at the houses they were hanging out at and asked them,
But they just thought I'd lost my mind.
And perhaps I had.
It was about the time that I slid off my chair.
Which happened right after I wrote that awful post today that's still not funny.
I looked through the magazines on the table thinking maybe I'd used it as a bookmark,
and in the hall closet where I shoved the vacuum, and in the trash can for recyclable paper.
I opened the front door to look on the steps, and in my bookcase,
but I forgot to look behind the toilet. I'll bet it's behind the damn toilet!
If I could Pick My Family
My family makes me crazy!!!!! And I love Abrah because hers does too!!! I mean, they make her crazy, not me. It's been a day of Discoveries and Enlightenment. Here's what I learned today:
· I was told that someone would trade their crazy aunt and uncle for me and maybe two racist grandparents as well. That's 4 whole people!
. My pudge counts as another person in an odd game of trading family members.
· That the phrase "Blood is Thicker Than Water" is used by family members to guilt you into something.
· I would trade all my brothers for Abrah without hesitation.
· That my ex-husband is worth less than a pet rat.
· It is OKAY to not talk to family members who push their own issues onto me and my own little family.
· That saying "I told you so" after 6 years really feels GOOD.
· That extreme heat makes me unfunny and bitter sounding. I'm really just sweaty and sticking to myself, so don't mind me. Just give me another cold drink.
· I can choose my own family members cause it is my UNIVERSE and that might be just the heat speaking, but what if it isn't?
So I'll be sending my next post from Jamaica with Abrah, Bill, and the girls, while everyone else I traded away can have a big non-family reunion in Island Pond. That sounds like a good place. And Joe can just hang out alone with my pudge and Abrah's which would be like 80 pounds of jiggly fat. The pet rat can come to Jamaica with me cause rats are cute and probably won't call me a crack whore.
· I was told that someone would trade their crazy aunt and uncle for me and maybe two racist grandparents as well. That's 4 whole people!
. My pudge counts as another person in an odd game of trading family members.
· That the phrase "Blood is Thicker Than Water" is used by family members to guilt you into something.
· I would trade all my brothers for Abrah without hesitation.
· That my ex-husband is worth less than a pet rat.
· It is OKAY to not talk to family members who push their own issues onto me and my own little family.
· That saying "I told you so" after 6 years really feels GOOD.
· That extreme heat makes me unfunny and bitter sounding. I'm really just sweaty and sticking to myself, so don't mind me. Just give me another cold drink.
· I can choose my own family members cause it is my UNIVERSE and that might be just the heat speaking, but what if it isn't?
So I'll be sending my next post from Jamaica with Abrah, Bill, and the girls, while everyone else I traded away can have a big non-family reunion in Island Pond. That sounds like a good place. And Joe can just hang out alone with my pudge and Abrah's which would be like 80 pounds of jiggly fat. The pet rat can come to Jamaica with me cause rats are cute and probably won't call me a crack whore.
But let's get back to me being worth 2 crazy people and 2 racist people. My self-esteem is already higher!!! I don't need therapy anymore!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Birthday Outhouse
So I was WRONG.
Birthday Girl was outside and missed the conversation with her Grandpa.
Poor her.
It went something like this:
"So Rachel called and said your Great Uncle Roy (who is 92 and lives in a house that is slowly sinking into the cistern it was built on) needs a new flush. And won't pay for it. Old people don't like to spend their money and so she called me to go look at it.
I told her I'd just clear a path to the old two holer."
Birthday Girl's oldest sister sat smirking at me, with her back to Grandpa.
Then we both asked at the same time, "What's a two holer?"
"It's an outhouse with two holes," he said.
"What do you need two holes for?"
He didn't answer, but instead offered this: "In the old days sometimes they even had three."
It's a real shame she missed this. It was the best Grandpa story EVER.
Birthday Girl was outside and missed the conversation with her Grandpa.
Poor her.
It went something like this:
"So Rachel called and said your Great Uncle Roy (who is 92 and lives in a house that is slowly sinking into the cistern it was built on) needs a new flush. And won't pay for it. Old people don't like to spend their money and so she called me to go look at it.
I told her I'd just clear a path to the old two holer."
Birthday Girl's oldest sister sat smirking at me, with her back to Grandpa.
Then we both asked at the same time, "What's a two holer?"
"It's an outhouse with two holes," he said.
"What do you need two holes for?"
He didn't answer, but instead offered this: "In the old days sometimes they even had three."
It's a real shame she missed this. It was the best Grandpa story EVER.
Happy Birthday to my Littlest One!
She's complaining already about having the worst birthday EVER. It's not even 10:00 yet. I think she just doesn't know how to have fun.
The day started out with BURNT poptarts.
Then I sang happy birthday to her and changed the lyrics:
Happy Birthday to you.
I made you a poo.
It came out my bumhole.
Happy Birthday to you.
She had asked me for a muffin and I said I was all out of muffin mix and she asked me again and I said that the only way to make one was, well, sing the song.
So next it's swimming lessons, a trip to Walmart to buy her her first camera, then to Grandpa's house to take pictures of snakes, eat shoofly pie, and listen to Grandpa's lists of things he has to do now that he's retired:
"And on this road there's 6 more beech trees to cut, and then 4 maples on this other road, and I took 10 hydringinias to whoosey's house but he wants 6 more of the bellhopfinators, and then I've got to split 24 cords of wood, and once when I was five, you know the old parking lot across from whoever's house in that town by the border . . . well I ran into that old man who was the third cousin of the neighbor of that lady who . . ."
I'll be in the basement doing laundry and missing all the fun.
Happy Birthday Gina!
The day started out with BURNT poptarts.
Then I sang happy birthday to her and changed the lyrics:
Happy Birthday to you.
I made you a poo.
It came out my bumhole.
Happy Birthday to you.
She had asked me for a muffin and I said I was all out of muffin mix and she asked me again and I said that the only way to make one was, well, sing the song.
So next it's swimming lessons, a trip to Walmart to buy her her first camera, then to Grandpa's house to take pictures of snakes, eat shoofly pie, and listen to Grandpa's lists of things he has to do now that he's retired:
"And on this road there's 6 more beech trees to cut, and then 4 maples on this other road, and I took 10 hydringinias to whoosey's house but he wants 6 more of the bellhopfinators, and then I've got to split 24 cords of wood, and once when I was five, you know the old parking lot across from whoever's house in that town by the border . . . well I ran into that old man who was the third cousin of the neighbor of that lady who . . ."
I'll be in the basement doing laundry and missing all the fun.
Happy Birthday Gina!
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