Thursday, May 28, 2009

Kristi's Magic Weight Loss Plan

One morning you'll wake up at age 35 or 38 or somewhere in between and middle-age will have possessed your once young and beautiful body and make it all puffy and saggy and alien. No matter what you do it won't return to its once perfect state. Middle-age has slapped you upside the head, run you down, become your best friend (the kind you wish you could avoid).
I felt this way about it last fall when I jumped on the scale (WHY, WHY WOULD I DO THAT?) and noticed that I'd gained 10 pounds or more. And not in nice places.
Here's my weight loss plan for middle-age:
  • Drink instead of eating--same calories, more fun.
  • Have an ex husband who causes you stress and makes you feel ill
  • Date someone younger who works out every day
  • Have a 14 year old daughter who keeps you up and worries you constantly
  • Have 3 needy children and a two story home so that you are constantly running up and down the stairs to do things like look at their pooh in the shape of a pretzel, look for their new pet eraser named Albert, and answer questions about the universe an hour after bedtime.
  • Do this again in the morning as soon as they wake up--better than boot camp at the gym.
  • Be a good parent and chase them when they disobey. If they are scared of you they run faster.
  • Offer them brownies before you take a bite, so that the brownies disappear before you get one and you're left scraping the crumbs off the bottom of the pan.
  • Cook healthy meal and stop eating when the kids compare your noodles to worms, peas to eyeballs, and play Fear Factor at every meal.
  • Summer Deal: My kids as a weigh loss plan for $100 a week

Monday, May 25, 2009

Facebook . . . It's OFFICIAL . . . The puppet wins!

As of today Sun Ny has more friends on Facebook than I do. She now has 42 friends. A puppet is now officially more popular than I am.

Three weeks ago I took some pictures of me, Abrah, and Sun Ny. I posted them on Facebook and tagged Sun Ny in them. Then I decided she needed her own Facebook page because she had become a real . . . puppet. It's an experiment to see:

  • How many people will unquestioningly friend a puppet they don't know.

  • How long Facebook will let a puppet have a page.

  • What happens when a puppet has a bigger IQ than YOU do.

  • If anyone is interested in a puppet.

  • What happens when a puppet sends YOU a flirt, a kiss, or a hug.

  • If anyone will wonder why a puppet is asking them to go ride bikes.

  • If a puppet can have more friends than I do.

42 people have now friended Sun Ny, making her more popular than me. Which makes me a . . . complete LOSER. OMG, why did I do this??? Now I'm jealous of a puppet! Where's that stupid puppet?

Friday, May 15, 2009

It's like Christmas Eve and I already know what my Present Is!

You know how the night before Christmas when you were a kid you couldn't sleep and felt rather naseaous and had weird dreams about getting up and opening presents but then you would realize that you were still asleep and you'd keep trying to wake yourself up, even to the point of yelling your name in your dream. Okay, that's me now. Only it's not Christmas.

Tomorrow will be an interesting and very awkward kind of day.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Hypothetically Speaking