Thursday, May 28, 2009

Kristi's Magic Weight Loss Plan

One morning you'll wake up at age 35 or 38 or somewhere in between and middle-age will have possessed your once young and beautiful body and make it all puffy and saggy and alien. No matter what you do it won't return to its once perfect state. Middle-age has slapped you upside the head, run you down, become your best friend (the kind you wish you could avoid).
I felt this way about it last fall when I jumped on the scale (WHY, WHY WOULD I DO THAT?) and noticed that I'd gained 10 pounds or more. And not in nice places.
Here's my weight loss plan for middle-age:
  • Drink instead of eating--same calories, more fun.
  • Have an ex husband who causes you stress and makes you feel ill
  • Date someone younger who works out every day
  • Have a 14 year old daughter who keeps you up and worries you constantly
  • Have 3 needy children and a two story home so that you are constantly running up and down the stairs to do things like look at their pooh in the shape of a pretzel, look for their new pet eraser named Albert, and answer questions about the universe an hour after bedtime.
  • Do this again in the morning as soon as they wake up--better than boot camp at the gym.
  • Be a good parent and chase them when they disobey. If they are scared of you they run faster.
  • Offer them brownies before you take a bite, so that the brownies disappear before you get one and you're left scraping the crumbs off the bottom of the pan.
  • Cook healthy meal and stop eating when the kids compare your noodles to worms, peas to eyeballs, and play Fear Factor at every meal.
  • Summer Deal: My kids as a weigh loss plan for $100 a week

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