Finding Johnny Depp

I was told today, by a self-proclaimed sugar addict, that he prefers Miracle Whip on his sandwiches. Miracle Whip is just a silly name for a product that pretends to be mayonnaise. Only it's mayonnaise made by a miracle. What's miraculous is that instead of oil, vinegar, and eggs it contains enough sugar to make a candy bar out of a tablespoon of the stuff. It's a miracle that it's considered a condiment and not a creme brulee. It's a miracle if you eat it and don't go into a diabetic coma. It's a miracle if it ever goes bad because it has the same ingredients as Twinkies. Maybe I'm looking for something really miraculous to appear when I open the jar, or um, pop open the plastic cap and squeeze the plastic bottle while it makes farting noises. Like Johnny Depp appearing in my bedroom again. That would be a miracle. With a whip in his hand. Then the name would make sense would make sense cause I would be all like "It's a miracle! And a whip!"
Or I could just pour sugar in a turkey, lettuce, tomato, and avocado sandwich on top of REAL mayonnaise and he wouldn't be able to tell the difference. That's what I'll do. I'll let you know how it goes.