Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Will Someone Please Create Farm Mafia on Facebook?

I ONLY got on Mafia Wars because Abrah asked me to join to add another number to her mafia. I would most likely do anything she asked me to including becoming addicted to heroin, shaving my head, or giving up my first born child.

So I joined and then became addicted to doing more jobs and getting more money and owning more big guns. I fight people and rob their properties and collect useful things like blackmail photos. But I'm terrible at it.
When I rob someone I rob them only once because I don't want them to notice and hurt their feelings. I rob so quickly it's almost accidental (like eating a skittle as I browse through the kitchen. The calories don't count if I'm not really eating). I run away and start whistling nervously to myself. I would never hit anyone over and over until they're dead, like SOME PEOPLE DO. I do all the jobs I can because I'm a worker and not a fighter. I'll never do a HIT on anyone, although I have put people on the hitlist, those mean bastards who fight me until I'm dead. I'm always like, what did you do that for? I never harmed you!
What's really scary is that I start to see real life as a mafia war and I have this odd feeling that every hour more money should be deposited into my bank account. I don't feel safe anymore because all I own is a softball bat and a rotting cucumber in the refrigerator. I don't own buildings, but I do live in the ghettos.

Meanwhile, some other people wanted me to join a lovely little game called Farmtown. I was surprised to see that I'd already started this application. Sometimes I think Facebook does things without telling me.
Farmtown is all sickly sweet. I plow the fields with a smile on my face. I plant seeds like tomatoes and strawberries. Friends can give me flowers and animals as pets. The worst thing to ever happen is to lose a crop when I don't sign in 22 times a day to check on them. I can go to the market to see other people and sell my harvest. Strange happy little people are always asking me to help with their farms when they are dry or overrun by weeds or a cow is missing and I just can't say no and ruin their joy.
Farmtown is like Pleasantville, so carefree all the time, with my little person sitting next to a rabbit who never eats my garden, chatting with friendly neighbors. GAK. Is it just me being crabby, or is everyone on Prozac? And does everyone in Mafia Wars need a little? What Farmtown needs is the competitive edge of Mafia Wars.
You should be able to sneak in when someone is offline and steal their crops, or hold their dog for ransom. It would be nice to have a weapons toolbar with things like plant diseases, and grenades, and chainsaws. When you destroy someone's farm you could take it over and eventually build up to owning a whole plantation. Of course the other players can't quit. They become your serfs and have to work for years in order to afford an arid little piece of land in Nebraska to try to start over. But if you get caught stealing or setting things on fire you could be put in jail and have to wait impatiently for a friend to bail you out.
While Farmtown makes me want to vomit rainbows and Mafia Wars makes me cringe, I do believe a combination of the two would be the perfect way to spend every waking hour.
Farm Mafia!!!!

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