Sunday, August 23, 2009

Ambivalence and relationships

When the kids were little I taught them to say "MUD" after I said "What does Mom hate most in all the world." It didn't stop them from wallowing in the irrigation ditches and tracking brown footprints through my kitchen. Hosing them down with the outside faucet did. But it was still nice to not lecture them EVERY TIME and nice to know that they remembered even if they still loved MUD way more than they loved MOM.
Now that they don't play in the mud so much (perhaps because it's way too common in this swamp I live in, in Northern Vermont) I'm going to change my MOTTO.
It now is : What do I hate most in all the world?


I can't stand ambivalence when it comes to most things. But it is the death knell for me in a relationship. This word was said to me in the last few relationships I attempted. Men would say they were AMBIVALENT about me and then want to hang out with me and go on trips and have lunch and play games and stay over.
If you've got cold feet and are feeling uncertain, or have both positive and negative feelings about me--go somewhere else and don't waste my time!!! Go be ambivalent about that tree over there or the sidewalk! Don't act like you need time to THINK things through or tell me that I look really good on paper and you don't know why you feel the way you do.
If you're trying to fit crazy old me on a piece of freaking paper, that's why this isn't going to work out in the first place!
You can't write a three page biography of Kristi and think that you understand me. I've been living with myself for, um years, and I get about 32% of the things I do. The awesomeness of me comes from being inexplicable. Like a supernatural miraculous happening.
If you're trying to look at the facts, you'll be missing out. And you're not the kind of person I need.
I need someone who looks at me and KNOWS me, without looking at all the details. Someone who can look past the degree and the kids and the exhusband and the past and just wants to be near me right now, to sit in the warmth of my PASSION. I am anything but ambivalent.
Ambivalence is just a good way to hide from having to do anything, a way to not have faith in the universe, a way to reap the benefits of Kristi without having to reciprocate feelings of any kind.
You're ambivalent because you can't keep up! It requires alot of attention and energy, integrity and faith, kindness and hope and humor--to keep up with me. I see ambivalence as a character flaw on your part. Something that shows up with my expectation that you must always be authentic and I'm going to call you on it if you're faking.
I would much rather have someone say to me "Kristi, I can't stand you. Your breath smells like monkey balls and if you look in the microwave for your coffee once more time I'm going to have you committed." At least that would be authentic.
I don't ever want to be ambivalent about anything. Every day since I ran from Joe is a gift I've given to myself and I don't want to waste another breath on someone who can't get off the fence long enough to have a clearly defined feeling about me.

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