Monday, August 31, 2009

Wine Dispensing Drive Through and don't tell anyone but I bought a BOX...shhhhhhh

After 15 days of self-imposed sobriety due to the recent economic downturn and future high costs of putting braces on teenage girls without help from the ex, and fixing my car which is now loud enough to rumble instead of hum, I have given up and become one of the wine box drinking hoard. Hoard is a word that means angry crowd of wine drinkers who storm a liquor store because they've recently decided to not stop drinking after all and they aren't very happy about drinking cheap wine.
These are the people who take the wine bag out of the box and blow it up like a balloon in order to inhale the last few drops.
These are the people who always have a splattering of wine on the kitchen floor, directly under the counter where the wine box always goes. They'll say it's part of the tile pattern, but it's really from that last drop after they've taken a glass.
These are the people who never need a bag at the liquor store, who avoid direct sunlight, and who are usually toasty by two in the afternoon because when they open the fridge to look for orange juice and the wine box is sitting there, it's difficult to look away.
But my sobriety was making me bitter and unfunny and not a very good mom. And I was eating a lot of sugar to try to get that same high, but it never worked out.
So then I decided that wine was necessary for my health, because without it I'm a rambling anxious mess and I don't sleep more than a couple of hours, and it's noisy in my head. So I took my insurance card down to the liquor store because it's cheaper for the insurance people to pay for wine instead of a nice prozac/lorazepam/sleeping medicine mixture. I'm sure they would agree and would actually APPRECIATE that I was trying to save them money. So I decided not to tell them and instead surprise them with the idea later.
I swiped my card through the credit machine, while grinning madly at the cashier in an effort to distract her. I don't want other people to copy me because I'm sure that the BUSH people are still out there and would try to stop the typical American Family from buying a box of wine because that money is needed to bomb other people on the other side of the world who don't agree with the BUSH World Domination plan.
It DIDN'T work! DECLINED. Sigh.
I guess I'll call the insurance company tomorrow or maybe write to them. They might take a professional looking letter much more seriously.
So I drove to the ATM to get $20 out and thought that it would be a great idea to put a wine machine next to the ATM in order to save me the time and gas money to run all over town for wine. A wine dispensing unit that would refill my empty bottles while I was sitting in my car!!! Or at least a vending machine that I could drive up to right after I take money I don't really have out at the ATM!!!! With all the time I would be saving, I could do something more productive. Like BLOG. Or spend time with my kids. Or get a second job so that I can pay more taxes! I know this idea will be found by someone IMPORTANT who loves wine as much as I do and they'll send me money for it!

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