On September 12th my life changed! My friend Abrah, who may no longer be my friend due to this revelation that she should have kept a secret FOREVER, told me that wine has CALORIES. I had assumed it was just pretty water. So I looked up the specific nasty-ass box of wine I happened to buy during my moment of poverty and degradation and it has 12o calories in a 5 ounce serving! Horrors! I was drinking about 360 calories a day. Drinking it down laughingly and with joy.
Well, to Hell with Joy. I've stopped drinking and started keeping track of all the calories I've saved. In 10 long boring lifeless days I've saved 3460 calories! woohoo. Great.
I think I'll keep doing this until I save enough calories to not weigh anything and then I'll look down at my pudge and I'll ask it why it's still there! OMG, what if it really is the last thing left? I'll be a skeleton and I'll still have this enormous belly! Sobbing.
Why, why would you do this to me?
And this is why I don't believe there is a god. Cause if there was one he would love wine as much as I do and he would give it negative calories. And then wars would end and there would be no disease or famine. It's all about who has the wine and who hasn't got any and has to drink cheap crap out of a box!