Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Traveling Pants Continued

I thought they were gone, but they keep coming back like stray boyfriends. BEGONE CURSED pajama pants!

I thought I would introduce my oldest daughter to the ex-boyfriend cleanup ritual on Saturday, which involved traveling to John's to get back a wine glass and the cover to my AA Big Book. I don't really care about either of those things. They were worth the price of my freedom. But I thought it might be humorous to show up and not leave, the way he did to me the night Abrah was here and I had to try to convince him we shouldn't see each other for the second time.

It didn't happen as well as I'd hoped. He handed me a brown paper bag. I think he was mad that I never responded to his email after breakup #3 in which he asked if he could visit me in Wyoming and have me show him around. Hmmmmm. NO.

So in the car, Haley opened the bag and found the CURSED pajama pants. (You have to say that word in two syllables to get the full effect: curse--ED.) She knew what they were immediately and was horrified. I considered driving back to his place and throwing them on the lawn after setting them on fire, or giving them to the old guys at the coin drop as we passed by a second time, or just throwing them out the window. Anything to get the CURSED pajama pants away from me.

Then after dragging Haley to see the Time Traveler's Wife with me and Abrah, I realized that James needed his pants back. Because our whole relationship could be explained in terms of time-travel. During his good times he was younger, clean-shaven, and happy. Then suddenly, in the middle of the night, he must have time traveled and come back older and freaked out and run off. Then he would show up again later all clean-shaven and happy again.

But the only reason I can think of to run away from me if he traveled back as an older James is IF I DIED! And he suddenly appeared in my room! And panicked because I was there alive and I should be dead!!!!! I just realized this now!

I made a BIG MISTAKE on Saturday. On our way home I pinned a little pink note to the pants saying "I got these back for you because you might need them next time you time travel." Then I had Haley jump out of our getaway car and run up and leave them outside his door. Why would I give him the time traveling borderline pajama pants back???!!!! I just caused my own death in the future or in the past. I don't know.

I'm going out right now to get those pajama pants back and burn them. He'll have to give them back to me if I show up at his door and tell him that I need the pants back because he's going to time travel and cause my death. Or maybe it's already too late. I'm going to sleep with a softball bat beside me in case he appears in my room in the middle of the night. Then we'll see who time travels and lives and who dies. I knew I should have kept those pants to wear. I would go back in time and . . . hmmm, there's always the question of what one time could change EVERYTHING. I think I would go back and . . . no, I wouldn't. I like where I am now. I'd just sell them on EBAY.

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